Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
where are you?
Hypothermia
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
