Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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