Got a toothbrush?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize