the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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