I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
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