So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I feel like a drive thru vagina
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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