I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
dude i'm inner monologue high
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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