I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
this just has baby written all over it
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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