My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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