I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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