New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
BRING THE BAGELS
Randomize