i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Randomize
