I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
