i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
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