Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Randomize
