Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
