before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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