If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
It's official drugs can't kill me
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
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