I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
