The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Randomize
