I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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