Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
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