I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
