Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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