Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
