my mouth tastes like poor choices
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Randomize
