So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Randomize
