just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I wish there were birth control emojis
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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