Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
