We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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