Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
