I need to stop coming to work sober
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
