Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
