I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
