The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
