Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
True strength comes from lack of pants
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
