I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
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