She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
