we have pet lesbian snakes
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I just found a bag of teeth...
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize