matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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