So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
