Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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