he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
