I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
They are going to name an STD after you.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
