I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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