I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
