Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
