Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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