When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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