I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
