After last night, I could never be a politician.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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