im about as happy as oj after his trial
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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