I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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