i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
