Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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