new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
