i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
